Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away

by Fortec 30th April 2009, 5:33 pm

ROFL...come hell or high water!

by **tish** 30th April 2009, 11:17 pm

??????

by nocash 5th May 2009, 8:47 am

Learning Hokkien is as easy as ABC

Children is kina kia
Boy is da boh kia
Girl is zha boh kia
Bird is chiao kia
Korean car is kia
Give birth is seh kia
Furniture is I kia
Police is mata kia
Small house is chu kia
Handphone is No kia
Malay is huan kia
Hindu is keh leng kia
Kuai lou is angmo kia
Chinese is deng lang kia
Japanese is jit pun kia
Bad guy is pai kia
Good guy is ho kia
Person who read this gong kia
If you laugh, you are siao kia

by **tish** 5th May 2009, 10:32 am

siao kia, i want to beat ur pipi hehehe

by nocash 5th May 2009, 10:36 am

tish wrote:siao kia, i want to beat ur pipi hehehe

your hand still not recover, how to beat my pipi.... Laughing

by luvxiaobeng 5th May 2009, 11:24 am

Wahaha.... Poor Tish.... wanna beat Pipi also can't....

by **tish** 5th May 2009, 11:30 am

nocash wrote:
tish wrote:siao kia, i want to beat ur pipi hehehe

your hand still not recover, how to beat my pipi....

luvxiaobeng wrote:Wahaha.... Poor Tish.... wanna beat Pipi also can't....

ohh ya hor.... hmmmm

ehh i still got left hand !! can smack ur pipi on the left side lol!

by kapitan 5th May 2009, 11:41 am

U people are sooooooo vulgar.... Very Happy

corrupting my innocent brain....

by **tish** 5th May 2009, 11:45 am

kapitan wrote:U people are sooooooo vulgar....

corrupting my innocent brain....

ehhh? the older the wiser but as well as more corrupted knowledge Smile

by Dar 5th May 2009, 4:36 pm

Do You Know Whose My Father?

One day the son (aka SOB) of a high government official was caught for speeding by a Traffic Policewoman.

Policewoman: Good Evening Sir, you are stop for speeding, traveling at 130km/hr, 40km/hr above the legal limits. May I have your Driving License please?

SOB: What?! How dare you stop me?! Do you know whose my father?!

The Policewoman paused, blinks and look at the SOB sincerely...

Policewoman: I'm sorry Sir, I can't help you. I feel sorry for you that you don't know who your father is, perhaps you can go home and ask your mother? Now, may I have your Driving License please?

What a Face

by Flarea 8th May 2009, 4:18 pm

by Dar 8th May 2009, 4:38 pm

Oh dear...LOL
Anyone born in the year of the Pig here? lol

by Leonard 8th May 2009, 4:38 pm

they say , a pictures tells a thousand words ..
so .. hope u guys had a good luff (:

A joke a day, keeps the Stress away - Page 2 Pic12201045378024

A joke a day, keeps the Stress away - Page 2 Failownedhomeworkstripp

by luvxiaobeng 8th May 2009, 4:42 pm

Wahaha..... Hmmm.... wondering Y No Cash bro never share some.... He is real good at keeping my stress away....

by **tish** 8th May 2009, 7:12 pm

i start getting stressful lol

by nocash 8th May 2009, 11:09 pm

luvxiaobeng wrote:Wahaha..... Hmmm.... wondering Y No Cash bro never share some.... He is real good at keeping my stress away....

hola hola...this one specially for you.

Young Lady Looking For Parking Lot

It's was a public holiday, as we know looking for an empty lot is not an easy task at the shopping centre.
It happened to a well English educated young lady who was looking for parking lots around the shopping centre.
Driving round and round the car park and finally she saw a old man standing in the empty lot.
She approach the old man and ask(she not good in hokkien)ah pek wu lan pa bo....
And the old man replied:Wa wu nor liap...

Sister ah beng if your hokkien not so fluent , dont attempt...hahaha

by Juz@kid 9th May 2009, 4:32 pm

Record I
Patient A: "So how.. this book not bad ya?"

Patient B: "Excellent! Astounding work. No nonsense shit, sharp and
concise to the point. But there's a major flaw in this piece of art too
many character names to remember!!!"

Nurse: "Hey! Can the two of you..put the telephone book back to the
original place?"

Record II
One doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ear off, what
will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."

Doctor: "Hmm... that's normal...So if I were to cut your other ear off,
what will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to see..."
The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"

Patient: "Because my spectacles will drop down..."

Record III
IMH has an old lady who wears black everyday, carries a black
umbrella
and squats @ the entrance to the IMH everyday without fail, rain or shine.
The doctor wanted to administer treatment for her and decided to start
by understanding her behaviour.
So, the doctor also wear black and carries a black umbrella; squatted
outside together just next to her, rain or shine, everyday without
fail.
So...days goes by...the two of them squatted side-by-side w/o a single
exchange of words..for one solid month...
One fine day..the old lady finally broke the silence and asked the
doctor: "Err...Excuse me! Are you also a mushroom?"

Record IV (be best)
A nurse saw a patient writing a letter.. She got curious and went to
take a peek.. But the patient didn't wanna let her see.

Nurse (unable to contain her curiosity): "Who are you writing to?"

Patient : "I'm writing a letter to myself..."
Her curiosity grew and she thought to herself (Why would someone write
a
letter to himself?)

So she asked again: "So...what's written inside?"

Patient (got impatient): "You crazy ah? I haven't receive the letter,
how would I know??"

Record V
Two patients escape from the IMH. They climbed up a tree and one of
them fell from the tree and started rolling on the ground.
After a while, the patient rolling shouted to the top: "Hey! How come
you are not coming down yet?"

The patient ontop replied: "No..no...I can't...I'm not ripe yet"

Record VI
One patient visited the doctor: "Doc...how? I think I'm a chicken since
I was born..."

Doctor: "Woah! that's very serious....Why do you only come and seek
treatment now?"

Patient: "Because my family needs me to hatch the eggs..."

Record VII (Prefect)
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH.
He discovered a
flat tyre when he was about to go home after unloading
the stuff.

He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix on the new tyre, he accidentally dropped all
the bolts into the drain.

The truck driver was very sad as he can't fished the bolts up; started
to panick.

Coincidentally, one patient walk past and asked the driver what
happened.

The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do, he
told the patient the whole incident.

The patient nonchantly replied: "can't even fix such a simple
problem...no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..." he goes on explaining:

"You just have to take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it
onto this tyre. Drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing
ones"

The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why do you
stay in IMH?"

Patient replied: "I
stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

by **tish** 9th May 2009, 6:44 pm

nocash wrote:
luvxiaobeng wrote:Wahaha..... Hmmm.... wondering Y No Cash bro never share some.... He is real good at keeping my stress away....

hola hola...this one specially for you.

Young Lady Looking For Parking Lot

It's was a public holiday, as we know looking for an empty lot is not an easy task at the shopping centre.
It happened to a well English educated young lady who was looking for parking lots around the shopping centre.
Driving round and round the car park and finally she saw a old man standing in the empty lot.
She approach the old man and ask(she not good in hokkien)ah pek wu lan pa bo....
And the old man replied:Wa wu nor liap...

Sister ah beng if your hokkien not so fluent , dont attempt...hahaha

by nocash 14th May 2009, 8:51 am

What's your name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come
into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby
place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.
It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to
my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I
am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what
is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

by kapitan 14th May 2009, 9:02 am

nocash wrote:What's your name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come
into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby
place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.
It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to
my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I
am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what
is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

When I go to a bar... u know those kind,..... gals ask me for my name,.... it wil be Dahling.....

by luvxiaobeng 14th May 2009, 9:08 am

kapitan wrote:
nocash wrote:What's your name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come
into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby
place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.
It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to
my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I
am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what
is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

When I go to a bar... u know those kind,..... gals ask me for my name,.... it wil be Dahling.....

Yayaya.... But muz clearify rite.... pretty gers ask u name= darhling not up to your standard gers ask u name is F*** Off rite.... whahaha

by kapitan 14th May 2009, 9:11 am

luvxiaobeng wrote:
kapitan wrote:

When I go to a bar... u know those kind,..... gals ask me for my name,.... it wil be Dahling.....

Yayaya.... But muz clearify rite.... pretty gers ask u name= darhling not up to your standard gers ask u name is F*** Off rite.... whahaha

hahhaa... I am not so bad.... if not up to standards.... my reply wil be "errr....no understand, u spaakkeee ka vietnaese/thai/indonesian/chesseness?"" depending on her nationality....kekekekeeee

by **tish** 14th May 2009, 3:37 pm

wahh u all so havok one r?

by Freebie 14th May 2009, 11:40 pm

Why women can't drive lol!

by **tish** 14th May 2009, 11:43 pm

wow, u want the whole forum girls to hunt ur pipi izzit lol!!!

by nocash 18th May 2009, 10:50 pm

A guy stopped at a local gas station

A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the
bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched
a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig whole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man
came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole,
the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the
road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container
and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here
with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the
men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're
not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting
the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and
wiping his brow. "Normally there are three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the
hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's
been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy".

by kapitan 21st May 2009, 11:42 am

1.. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again

by Leonard 21st May 2009, 12:17 pm

To add on ..

The older u get the BALL games of urs gets SMALLER !

by nocash 31st May 2009, 9:56 am

World Famous City Arches

A joke a day, keeps the Stress away - Page 2 WorldArcheBeijing

A joke a day, keeps the Stress away - Page 2 WorldArcheTokyo

A joke a day, keeps the Stress away - Page 2 WorldArchesParis

A joke a day, keeps the Stress away - Page 2 WorldArcheSpore

by **Siaoster** 1st June 2009, 3:39 pm

This is funny

HOW THE FIGHT GOT STARTED

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
This is the best of all!!!!!
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
and then the fight started....

by **Siaoster** 1st June 2009, 3:40 pm

HOW THE FIGHT GOT STARTED PART 2

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started.....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

and then the fight started....

by Spiritseye 1st June 2009, 4:46 pm

LOL the youtube parking one damn funny. especially the parking lot one hahahhahaaa can see the frustration of the other driver

by GotCash 2nd June 2009, 3:22 pm

Lol the video last second, the guy pro sia, i wanna be like him =D

by Melfiend 2nd June 2009, 8:44 pm

alright,i know this is very old but,
it cracks me up..still

by The Blue Cruiser 3rd June 2009, 9:37 pm

The biggest joke of the day - http://singaporeseen.stomp.com.sg/singaporeseen/viewContent.jsp?id=72640

by **Siaoster** 3rd June 2009, 11:22 pm

ahhaha so never carry a fake LV around ?

by waypoint 4th June 2009, 2:33 am

A joke a day, keeps the Stress away - Page 2 Kucing10

LOL!

BR,
w a y

by **Siaoster** 8th June 2009, 9:02 am

Barber in NY

There was once a very good barber in NEW YORK, he give Free Haircut to everybody who comes into his shop
to have their haircuts.

One day a florist goes to him for a haircut.
After the cut, he goes to pay the barber
and
the barber replies:
'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.'

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop,
there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door .

A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies:
'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.'
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop,
there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Singaporean goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies:
'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you.. I am doing community service.'
The Singaporean is very happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there............

Can you guess?

Come on, think like a Singaporean....

have you got the answer ........... ?????

come on .............

guess.......................

a dozen Singaporeans waiting for a free haircut...

by luvxiaobeng 8th June 2009, 12:09 pm

Siaoster wrote:Barber in NY

There was once a very good barber in NEW YORK, he give Free Haircut to everybody who comes into his shop
to have their haircuts.

One day a florist goes to him for a haircut.
After the cut, he goes to pay the barber
and
the barber replies:
'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.'

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop,
there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door .

A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies:
'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.'
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop,
there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Singaporean goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies:
'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you.. I am doing community service.'
The Singaporean is very happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there............

Can you guess?

Come on, think like a Singaporean....

have you got the answer ........... ?????

come on .............

guess.......................

a dozen Singaporeans waiting for a free haircut...

Hahaha..... Siaoster.... good one.... yeah.... typical Singaporean doing....

by nocash 9th June 2009, 8:27 am

What Would You Say?

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the
gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you,
what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor
of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and
school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S
MOVING!!!!"

by **tish** 10th June 2009, 2:11 am

by BlackCOde 11th June 2009, 10:50 pm

Short and simple one for you guys and gals.

2 houseflies were on a piece of shit

1 of them farted

and the other said.

Hey! Do you mind! I'm eating here.

by **impact2001** 11th June 2009, 11:27 pm

tish wrote:
nocash wrote:
tish wrote:siao kia, i want to beat ur pipi hehehe

your hand still not recover, how to beat my pipi....

luvxiaobeng wrote:Wahaha.... Poor Tish.... wanna beat Pipi also can't....

ohh ya hor.... hmmmm

ehh i still got left hand !! can smack ur pipi on the left side

He got a family here... dun play play with him.. especially his son GOTCASH can afford to hire many many many pipi hitters.

by **impact2001** 11th June 2009, 11:28 pm

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

by **impact2001** 11th June 2009, 11:29 pm

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

	Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
	Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
	Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
	Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
	Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

by **impact2001** 11th June 2009, 11:42 pm

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degree celcius.

The Russians used a pencil.

by **impact2001** 11th June 2009, 11:42 pm

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

by **impact2001** 11th June 2009, 11:43 pm

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

by **impact2001** 11th June 2009, 11:45 pm

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

by **impact2001** 11th June 2009, 11:47 pm

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

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