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A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
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Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by kapitan 4th September 2009, 3:22 pm
Oh no,....... the Miss Singapore Joke have come true....
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question incorrectly, you are disqualified.
Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
Judge: ?????????!!!!
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question incorrectly, you are disqualified.
Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
Judge: ?????????!!!!
kapitan- Senior Member
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by Melfiend 6th September 2009, 5:46 am
ano57 wrote:Extracted from Reviews from SGcarmart Forte review section
=====>
Just bought Avante RS (avante got RS?)
Just bought Avante RS
Comfort : 3 / 5 Reliability : 3 / 5
Handling : 3 / 5 Features : 4 / 5
Exterior styling : 4 / 5 Interior design : 4 / 5
Value for the money : 4 / 5 Engine performance : 4 / 5
Would you recommend this vehicle to a friend? : Yes
Review
It was love at first sight when I saw a new Cerato Forte. Had tried my friend the old Kia Cerato, so wanted to own one. Went to the showroom at Ubi. The salesman say no harm to try to book the car. So we tried. The salesman said will get back to us, but was disappointed. Waited for 5 days, no news from him. instead we the one keep asking him about the news. When get contacted, he sound like not interested to liase with us. Just becos of bank rejected. When asked to return back the money he said need to wait 14 days to refund and when already 15 days, I made a called he said will checked and call me back but never. The next day, said need to wait another 14 days as on his part he already refund back to the bank last 4 days but when I contacted the bank, the officer said never. Who to believed? I was very angry, then contacted him again. He said need to wait for my next acct statement. I was wondering as my payment mode was debit and not credit why takes so long to process and was really dissapointed when get to know from the bank there was no refund being made 4 days ago by the company. I really piss off by his unprofessional attitude and told him within 14 days if no refund credit to me I will go to the authority and the funny things was the next day the refund was credit to me. What kind of senior salesman he is? If I never made a move first do you think my refund will credit to me that fast. Seriously, he never had an iniative to update us. Not even a call instead I get to know my loan was not being approved when my hubby contacted him.
Different scenario when I was at Avante Showroom at Alexandra. The salesman keep update me of COE bidding and promotion they do have. He really have the attitude of professionalism, really wanted to sale his company car. He help me alot and even have iniative to update me everyday till my loan being approved by bank. It just takes 4 days to approve. So u can see the different. It's not the matter of not getting the car but the attitude and making the customer welcome. I really salute the salesman of Avante and no doubt Avante being own most of singaporean because of their service. As for Kia salesperson, there's still a room for improvement. if you guys did not welcoming your customer with good service don't dream of beating Avante.
What I like
A new Cerato Forte. Nice body and big space inside.
What I do not like
The service at Ubi Showroom. Very dissappointed.
Posted On: 30 Aug 2009
Interesting.. Conflicting remarks[b]
oh...okay..
Melfiend- Junior Member
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by waypoint 1st October 2009, 10:07 pm
A little long, but the punchline is worth it!
A young, stacked and really sexy thing of questionable character was standing alone in a corner of a pub. Too pretty for her own good, none of the confidence-lacking young studs around dared to chat her up for fear of rejection. She sees a dashing older gentleman, tanned and chiselled with short-cropped salt and pepper hair, sitting alone at the bar downing a shot-glass of whiskey. The place was a well-known haunt in the military circles and guessed he was either a senior officer or a seasoned NCO.
As she approached him, he caught sight of her and shot to attention as well as wishing her a pleasant evening in a loud booming voice. The sweet-young-thing was so taken aback and immediately thought of how deprived of the carnal attentions of a woman he must be, resulting in his peculiar behaviour. She leaned towards his rigid body and whispered when he last felt the warmth and love of a woman.
"Oh, yes Ma'am! 1956 to be exact!", was the answer, short and sharp. By then, she was filled with so much pity, that she next whispered to him again that she would be more than glad to 'service' him for free in the back room of the pub. The NCO could only grunt in agreement as she led him to the back by this calloused hand.
After he had his way with her, the panting woman, more than surprised at his great skill and prowess despite his long period of 'abstinence', their sweaty, satisfied bodies glistening in the dim lights of the cool back room. She turned seductively to him as she lit a cigarette, and asked if the incredible sex they just had was anything like what he last
experienced in 1956. In fact, it was so good for her that she invited him home for the night in hopes of another round of carnal pleasure.
In a steady measured tone, our combat NCO replies, "Well, I wouldn't know, Ma'am. I usually don't put a rating on experiences like these. I just enjoy them as they come. And mind you, I'm definitely very appreciative of the pleasure you just gave me and would be more than happy to accept your invitation. But I can only leave with you after I tell my date who's been waiting outside at the bar for me since 2030."
A young, stacked and really sexy thing of questionable character was standing alone in a corner of a pub. Too pretty for her own good, none of the confidence-lacking young studs around dared to chat her up for fear of rejection. She sees a dashing older gentleman, tanned and chiselled with short-cropped salt and pepper hair, sitting alone at the bar downing a shot-glass of whiskey. The place was a well-known haunt in the military circles and guessed he was either a senior officer or a seasoned NCO.
As she approached him, he caught sight of her and shot to attention as well as wishing her a pleasant evening in a loud booming voice. The sweet-young-thing was so taken aback and immediately thought of how deprived of the carnal attentions of a woman he must be, resulting in his peculiar behaviour. She leaned towards his rigid body and whispered when he last felt the warmth and love of a woman.
"Oh, yes Ma'am! 1956 to be exact!", was the answer, short and sharp. By then, she was filled with so much pity, that she next whispered to him again that she would be more than glad to 'service' him for free in the back room of the pub. The NCO could only grunt in agreement as she led him to the back by this calloused hand.
After he had his way with her, the panting woman, more than surprised at his great skill and prowess despite his long period of 'abstinence', their sweaty, satisfied bodies glistening in the dim lights of the cool back room. She turned seductively to him as she lit a cigarette, and asked if the incredible sex they just had was anything like what he last
experienced in 1956. In fact, it was so good for her that she invited him home for the night in hopes of another round of carnal pleasure.
In a steady measured tone, our combat NCO replies, "Well, I wouldn't know, Ma'am. I usually don't put a rating on experiences like these. I just enjoy them as they come. And mind you, I'm definitely very appreciative of the pleasure you just gave me and would be more than happy to accept your invitation. But I can only leave with you after I tell my date who's been waiting outside at the bar for me since 2030."
waypoint- Senior Member
ano57- Moderator
ano57- Moderator
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by ano57 2nd October 2009, 4:36 pm
Rem in a common shower... Soap drop don anyhow pick it up....
ano57- Moderator
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by ano57 2nd October 2009, 5:12 pm
As opposed to the Lexus lady who wacks the family jewel of tat pathetic guy just few moons ago....
Tis is the answer to it!!!
Tis is the answer to it!!!
ano57- Moderator
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by cboonh 2nd October 2009, 5:51 pm
Something for the weekend! 
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the
woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the
woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
cboonh- Junior Member
Golf & BMW
by kapitan 6th October 2009, 9:19 am
YOU DRIVE A BMW RIGHT ? BUT DO YOU PLAY GOLF??
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously one who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello," and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are 'dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger..
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?"
inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Fookin Hell," says the Irishman,
"Aye...BMW tinks of everyting!!
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously one who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello," and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are 'dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger..
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?"
inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Fookin Hell," says the Irishman,
"Aye...BMW tinks of everyting!!
kapitan- Senior Member
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by mott3h 6th October 2009, 9:15 pm
kapitan wrote:YOU DRIVE A BMW RIGHT ? BUT DO YOU PLAY GOLF??
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his KIA FORTE/KOUP into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously one who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello," and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are 'dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger..
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?"
inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Fookin Hell," says the Irishman,
"Aye...KIA FORTE/KOUP tinks of everyting!!
hehe hope u dun mind... add a bit of foretan/ koupy flava!! hehe
mott3h- Newbie
unlimitedz- Moderator
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by Spiritseye 1st December 2009, 11:47 am
I actually laughed out loud at some pictures
Good one!
Good one!
Spiritseye- Junior Member
KingJerry- Senior Member
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by unlimitedz 1st December 2009, 11:46 pm
once awhile, itz gd to put dwn e heavy burden we r carryin n enjoy life......................
glad u guys enjoy it=) me too... had a hell gd laughs...
glad u guys enjoy it=) me too... had a hell gd laughs...
unlimitedz- Moderator
mkkiaforte- Junior Member
whitechoco- Moderator
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by Leonard 3rd December 2009, 10:09 pm
erm .. where can i get the whole clip art as a whole ??
Leonard- Member
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by unlimitedz 3rd December 2009, 10:39 pm
no idea man.. deleted e email i reciveev liao.. hahah.. u wan print n paste inside ur car??
Leonard wrote:erm .. where can i get the whole clip art as a whole ??
unlimitedz- Moderator
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by Leonard 3rd December 2009, 10:53 pm
nah .. wanted to paste @ my fB acc =X
hahahs !
hahahs !
Leonard- Member
viper007- Junior Member
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by Juz@kid 4th December 2009, 6:59 am
diz shld be part of e pamphlets issued to parents-to-be.... 
Juz@kid- Senior Member
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by unlimitedz 4th December 2009, 9:50 pm
im too young for e parent thing yet... hahah...
In e past, like our parents, even if they anyhow take care of us, we all still grow up so big liao.. rite...
In e past, like our parents, even if they anyhow take care of us, we all still grow up so big liao.. rite...
Juz@kid wrote:diz shld be part of e pamphlets issued to parents-to-be....
unlimitedz- Moderator
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by Juz@kid 4th December 2009, 11:41 pm
unlimitedz wrote:im too young for e parent thing yet... hahah...
In e past, like our parents, even if they anyhow take care of us, we all still grow up so big liao.. rite...Juz@kid wrote:diz shld be part of e pamphlets issued to parents-to-be....
and dun be too old to be a parent....
Juz@kid- Senior Member
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by unlimitedz 4th December 2009, 11:56 pm
no money no honey lah... haah..
Juz@kid wrote:unlimitedz wrote:im too young for e parent thing yet... hahah...
In e past, like our parents, even if they anyhow take care of us, we all still grow up so big liao.. rite...Juz@kid wrote:diz shld be part of e pamphlets issued to parents-to-be....
and dun be too old to be a parent....
unlimitedz- Moderator
Accidental Humour
by pessimizt 16th December 2009, 8:42 am
Something to laugh ? 
There's no denying that the Internet is a veritable trove of
information - there's the useful, the useless, the strange and of
course, the funny.
The following collection of rather humorous accident claims in
England isn't new - it came from a website and has probably been
circulating about for a while now.
But since the topic is automotive based, it's worth a share and hopefully, a laugh.
20. "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
19. "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the
bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it
with a blanket."18. Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
17. A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
16. "I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".
15. "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."14. "I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".
13. "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".12. "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
11. "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."10. "I had been shopping for plans all day and was on my way
home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my
vision and I did not see the other car."
9. "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.8. "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
7. "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."6. "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
5. "I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"4. "The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
3. "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
2. "I was going at about 70 or 80mph (about 112-128kph) when
my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I
lost control."And the one we think is the funniest of all:
1. "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."
<extracted from Asiaone>
There's no denying that the Internet is a veritable trove of
information - there's the useful, the useless, the strange and of
course, the funny.
The following collection of rather humorous accident claims in
England isn't new - it came from a website and has probably been
circulating about for a while now.
But since the topic is automotive based, it's worth a share and hopefully, a laugh.
20. "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
19. "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the
bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it
with a blanket."18. Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
17. A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
16. "I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".
15. "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."14. "I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".
13. "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".12. "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
11. "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."10. "I had been shopping for plans all day and was on my way
home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my
vision and I did not see the other car."
9. "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.8. "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
7. "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."6. "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
5. "I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"4. "The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
3. "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
2. "I was going at about 70 or 80mph (about 112-128kph) when
my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I
lost control."And the one we think is the funniest of all:
1. "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."
<extracted from Asiaone>
pessimizt- Senior Member
Siaoster- Moderator
Siaoster- Moderator
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by longbow 17th December 2009, 3:13 pm
ano57 wrote:
Flaming lumbogini??
OUCH!!
longbow- Senior Member
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by waypoint 3rd January 2010, 11:26 pm
SMART-*** ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” John asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
SMART-*** ANSWER #5
A
flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said,
“Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”
SMART-*** ANSWER #4
A
lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
“Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
SMART-*** ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I've been waiting for you all day,” the officer said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket..
SMART-*** ANSWER #2
A
truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in
front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for
miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his
car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
“Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.”
SMART-*** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
A
college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class,
I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!”
A smart-*** student in the back of the room
raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class
is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head
and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your
other hand.”
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing
nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees
and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I
really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replied, “Your eyesight’s good.”
It was mealtime during an airline flight. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” John asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
SMART-*** ANSWER #5
A
flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said,
“Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”
SMART-*** ANSWER #4
A
lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
“Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
SMART-*** ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I've been waiting for you all day,” the officer said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket..
SMART-*** ANSWER #2
A
truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in
front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for
miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his
car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
“Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.”
SMART-*** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
A
college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class,
I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!”
A smart-*** student in the back of the room
raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class
is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head
and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your
other hand.”
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing
nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees
and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I
really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replied, “Your eyesight’s good.”
waypoint- Senior Member
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by JuanST 4th January 2010, 9:14 am
A woman is standing
nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees
and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I
really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replied, “Your eyesight’s good.”
I bet he will be sleeping outside for quite a while......
nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees
and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I
really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replied, “Your eyesight’s good.”
I bet he will be sleeping outside for quite a while......
JuanST- Senior Member
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by nocash 28th January 2010, 3:24 pm
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.>
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.>
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.>
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.>
nocash- Senior Member
Re: A joke a day, keeps the Stress away
by pessimizt 28th January 2010, 10:10 pm
POLISH DIVORCE !!
------------
--------
A Polish man moved to the USA
and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one
day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and
asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover".
------------
--------
A Polish man moved to the USA
and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one
day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and
asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover".
pessimizt- Senior Member
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